Carrie: Blood, Pain, and Torment

First off, I apologize for my neglect of this blog. Life has been taking a bit of speed with theatre, and job interviews (fingers crossed!!). God really is good.

My latest theatre venture is the musical adaptation of the Stephen King classic, "Carrie." It's been crazy so far. The music is so dynamic and challenging, that's a good thing of course. The story is even more compelling, and it relates to a ton of things in my life. It's amazing how theatre takes you back to places that haunt you, and places that make you smile. This musical is more haunting to me, and it makes me even more aware of the supernatural battle that is going on all around us. The battle between truth and lies, good and evil, friends and enemies, and God and the enemy.

To those who don't know the story of "Carrie," let me break it down for you. It is the story of a painfully shy young teenager with telekinetic powers who comes from a strictly religious home with an overbearing mother. She goes to a high school where she is constantly bullied. She's a very wounded soul. All the pain and hurt she's enduring leads her to lash out in full-fledged anger against her wounders. She murders all her classmates at their high school prom after a wicked trick.

In the show, I play one of Carrie's tormentors. His name is Freddy. He's the type of guy who loves to joke around and laugh. That's what people like him for. He's not a weirdo like Carrie. He does not stand out one bit. He's in the in crowd. He fits in. 

Throughout the entire rehearsal process of this very emotional show, I've been thinking about my spiritual connection with it. It's scary how much this process is making me think. As I sit there, poring over my music and lines, I think about everyone that's hurt me in my life. I know the names and faces so well. I see the friends, family members, teachers, classmates, co-workers, you name it. It moves me to tears at how many people have broken my heart in my 21 years of life. I ask myself, "Why do I trust anyone anymore?" "Why would God allow this?" "What can I do to make people like me?" I believe everyone's had their share of heartbreak from people in their lives. 

I think about my life in high school. It was a madhouse of cliques and rumors galore. Exclusion. Rejection. Criticism. Socially, I could never win at my high school. My senior year left me so mad at everyone at that school. What disappointed me most was that it was a Christian school. I only caught a few glimpses of God's love in the 5 years I was there. 

I think about my life in college. Struggling to fit in both at church and outside. Being rejected and excluded by my fellow churchgoers. Being screwed over time and time again every time I had the chance to get more involved. The fakes. The religious fanatics. The cliques. The lies.

I also think about the good times. The friends I did make. The laughs I shared. The jokes. The late night talks. The times when I felt like I didn't have to pretend so much. The times I felt free to be who I am with no judgement. The times I could open up. 

I also think about times where I was on the other end of the spectrum. The times I wounded others without thinking how my words made them feel. The times I pointed and laughed at someone who was different than I was. The times where I've gossiped about my friends behind their back. The times where I was definitely not perfect. The times where my flaws were shown. 

There have been times where I feel like Carrie, rejected and alone. Then there are times where I feel like Freddy, laughing and loving my circle of friends. Despite all the heartbreak, the betrayal, and even the good times....God has been there. He's led me through all these things, and not without a purpose. Right now, I may not understand why. I might not understand for a long while, but I do know that God has a plan. 

What if Carrie had chosen to not lash out? What if she had just endured for a little while longer? Could she have prevented her own demise, as well as the demise of hundreds of people? 

What if we just waited a little longer? What if we don't let the anger become us? What if we hold on to God's words, "Vengeance is mine?"Sometimes, we won't ever hear an "I'm sorry" from the people who hurt us. An apology should not be a requirement for forgiveness, and forgiveness does not mean be passive. Forgiveness is just a way of acknowledging the wrong and using the grace inside of you to erase the blame. Of course, things won't be the same....but there's enough room to start again. 

One thing that this show is teaching me, is that anger is not worth the time. Whatever God has you in, He will be faithful to lead you out. God led me out of high school, out of my church in Lubbock, and He is going to lead me out of whatever i'm going through right now. Life is way too short to worry about getting even.