Confessions of a Doubter

Well, I am not entirely surprised at the fact that I missed last week's post! Not sure how I can make amends for that other than by just posting one for this week.

Lately...I have been going through a big healing process. Not really from sickness, but from all the emotional and spiritual junk that has been living in my spirit for far too long. Anyone else ever feel like that? Like, you're just tired of being mad and frustrated about things that already happened? Well, that's me. I am just ready to be free from all of it.

Some of it is hurt from church folk (the usual) and other things are just personal. One of them is doubt. I am a big doubter. Not sure why, but I have allowed myself to doubt the very power that I claim to possess. Every time I pray, I always seem to have this haunting ghostly thought of, "That's IF He wants to...He might not want to. His will right?"

These very thoughts hinder my overall faith in the FACT that God CAN do ANYTHING I ask for. They have been keeping me from asking, seeking and knocking...and possibly delaying doors and answers for my behalf. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. Only a couple of people are actually willing to listen and understand my situation.

If you struggle with this, you are GREATLY frowned upon in the Christian circles. Mainly because the Bible clearly says that if anyone doubts, then he should not bother asking because he is praying while expecting nothing. Therefore it is an absence of faith. So if you seem frustrated, or if you are not happy because you feel things aren't going your way...some Christians will tell you that you are either in sin, or that you shouldn't be frustrated and you should force yourself to be happy.

Well, I can say that even though those people really do mean well and they really intend for you to feel better....it never ever makes me feel better whenever I hear cliche Christian answers like that.

If I am struggling with doubt, or if I am struggling with my faith (as everyone does) I am not one to hide it and pretend I'm okay, because I know in my heart that I'm lying. If I need prayer, I ask for it. I'm not afraid to. However I have seen so many Christians put on a performance of perfection that just makes me sick to my stomach. I have even seen some say that their life is so awesome that they don't need any prayer. For so long, I wanted to be that happy...and it just never comes. Because let's face it, who's life is THAT perfect? Since when does EVERYTHING go right?

I've been reading a book by CS Lewis called "The Great Divorce" and it is about leaving your struggles behind and leaning on God to support you as you journey into a new life. Many people will take the easy way out and stay where they are comfortable. For some people, that means forever remaining in their anger, depression, arrogance, perfection etc. However, I am not letting my hurt keep me from making more friends, and I am not letting my doubts keep me from asking. Because most Christians fail to acknowledge to a doubting individual that the Bible also says that even the tiniest bit of faith can move a mountain.

As my book says, we can choose to remain in our slump, or try to get out and get to a better place. I'm choosing to strive for that better place.

As for the performers, the "perfect" people who never need prayer, what will you do when you are deprived of your joy? Will people even believe you when you finally fall? Sometimes thinking you're walking on water can be a very dangerous mindset. It is by grace we are saved, through FAITH and not from OURSELVES.

I may not be perfect, I may not follow all the rules, but I know in my heart that I want to believe like I have already received my blessing. I want to see pictures of the people I knew from church and smile and not get angry. I want to forgive and forget. I want to believe that my spirit is healed. So when I ask God for all these things, I want to claim it as if it has already happened, and not walk by what I see or feel.

How I Express My Faith in Theatre

Well, many people have been telling me to share about my expression of faith through theatre…so I figured why not? I have a huge passion for the arts. I love to draw, paint, sing, act, and play piano. Music and art are my whole entire life and I love them so much. I could not imagine my life without them. However, even though I love these things…sometimes things can get messy. But what’s art without a mess?

One of the biggest art forms that has taken on a big prominence in my life is my acting. I’m no Hollywood celebrity, but I’m planning on getting there one day with God’s help. He can and will do anything I ask in His name, and it will happen according to His plan and purpose. Having said that, here is how I discovered my love for the theatre.

Since everything came to be from God himself, that is where I began my journey as an actor. I started in my amazing home church; I began singing in choirs…and eventually landing a lead role in a musical (completely involuntary of course…I was 8 years old). Ever since I can remember, me and my sister have always been acting. We created characters, we acted out Disney movies, and we always sang; so it is no coincidence that we love musical theatre…and straight plays. Then when my mom and dad told me that the people in movies do it for money, 5-year-old me immediately thought, “I MUST DO THIS!” So here I am now, fresh out of college…and planning a move from Texas to the west coast.

I have been a Christian for a while now…and I have gotten mixed reviews of my career choice. I’ve been praised for my gift, and I’ve been ostracized because of it. Other Christians question my faith because of the people I associate with in the theatre world, and other Christians have been amazingly supportive of what I do. Some Christians have asked why I act for little to no money, and some Christians believe that I am going to be very successful one day. I’ve heard of the “evil of Hollywood.” I have also been told, “Be careful, because that industry belongs to Satan.”

Now, here’s what I’ve heard from the outside the four walls of the church. I cannot say that I have been ostracized and ridiculed here, at least not out loud. However, I have been criticized by one of my peers for not having an “aesthetic point of view.” I have been reminded numerous times to, “agree to disagree.” There’s criticism everywhere, but I think that I have learned to accept and love others in the theatre more than at church. It is sad to say that, but it is true. At church, I learned what the Bible said to do, but I never learned what it really meant until I was put in an environment where I couldn’t do anything else but love.

In the theatre world, collaboration is key. No one wants to work with someone who is insulting or mean to other people. So my first goal when I am in a show is to befriend everyone. Through this, I have met some of the most talented people with such big, loving hearts. Of course, not all of these people are Christians, but why let that stop me from being their friend? Why make the job more complicated? One way of showing Christ through theatre is the way I work with others. I’m not there to save people; I’m there to do a job. If they ask me about it, of course I will share it. Why shove it in their face?

As far as the content of the shows I do, that is just a matter of choosing. Personally, I have made a choice to not participate in anything that will blaspheme my Savior. Of course, you have the shows with heavy content. I was discussing this with some of my cast mates for “Funny Girl” and they brought up the fact that sex, and other traumatic things are parts of life. In my experience, the “sex” parts are not in the entirety of the play/musical…I usually hope that audiences will see the big picture. Theatre plays always have some sort of message, but religious people are always quick to analyze and judge. I wish that were not the case.

One show, for example, is Into The Woods; a musical about what happens after the “happily ever afters” of fairy tales. This musical covered a wide variety of things: adultery, revenge, obedience, lust, patience, etc. I had the amazing opportunity to be in this show, and it told an amazing story…and even ministered to me, and this musical is not even about God.

Theatre does one thing primarily, it tells a story. Some are good, some bad, and some disturbing. There is always something to take away, and discuss. I just love being a part of a big picture for people to see. When people I know come and support the shows and tell me all about how they enjoyed it, it just puts a huge smile on my face. I don’t want them to see me, I just want them to enjoy seeing something we as a cast worked so hard to put on.

Being a person of faith in the world of acting is just so inspiring, and I think I’ve learned a lot about who I am through it. Of course, when you have any type of talent or ability (athletics, arts, business, teaching…whatever) it is so important to use it to the fullest. Even though I say these are my gifts, in reality they’re God’s gifts from Him…to me. Of course, I want to flaunt them. People have told me to tone it down, or to put them away because I “can’t use them to make a living.” I think that when you use your gifts, and grow them…they’ll only get bigger and better. Like Jesus’ parable of the talents and the servants. The other two servants invested their talents and multiplied them, while the other buried it and kept it to himself, and made nothing out if it.

I know that when God asks me what I did with His gift, I want to be the one who multiplied it. You can use anything you do for the glory of God, it doesn’t always mean you’ll get praise from people…but God sees you, and if you know in your heart that God wants you there…then He’s proud of you. Every time I get onstage, I know I’m doing what God wants me to do.

Confessions of an In-Betweener

Hey guys!

So this is my first post on the Red Letter Weekly! To kick off this blog, I thought I would share something that I’ve been wrestling with for several months now. I hope that this can relate to anyone who reads this.

In my life, one of the biggest things that I resent is that I have always been an in-betweener. I never seem to fit in anywhere. In high school, I wasn’t a complete and total nerd, nor was I popular…I just existed. In college, it was the same thing. I didn’t hang around extremely “bad” people, but I also was not entirely accepted in the “good” crowd either. I simply floated…is that what they’re calling it now? I wasn’t bad enough for the bad people, and I wasn’t good enough for the good people….I was what I call an in-betweener.

When I was at the tender, young age of 17/18, I tried to fit in any way I could in college. I changed my whole life. I started doing things I never did before. I started cussing, drinking, more cussing etc. Nothing too extreme, but I did compromise some of my values for the sake of friends. I allowed myself to wander, but deep down I yearned for a better surrounding. On the inside, my spiritual being was hungry for a change. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I did not want to be popular in this sort of way.

So, sophomore year I began to strive for a turnaround, and I found it. I started making choices to party less, and surround myself with a better crowd at my church. It had a great start, and then something went wrong. I started noticing that my college church group was becoming very cliquish. After a few attempts to get involved in a leadership team, it just never worked out. To make a long, dramatic story short…I was excluded by many people at my church, and it hurt me deep down inside. (I’m trying so hard to say this in a very light-hearted way…) I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” to be involved as much as everyone else was, which is obviously a huge lie that felt true.

Never finding a clique to be a part of really made me question who I am, and it made me angry at the personality God gave me. I wished that I could just fit in somewhere, and not be so set apart. However, as I live day by day, I get reminded that I do fit in somewhere…in the Kingdom of God. He doesn’t see His people as a clique…He sees us all individually. I think I would rather be known and loved by Him instead of the good/bad crowd.  When I die, I won’t take my friends with me. It’ll just be God and I.

So, if you find yourself on the outside, an in-betweener struggling to find your place…search no more. You will find yourself in Christ. If you believe in your heart that you’re a sinner saved by Jesus’ sacrifice, that is all you need in this life. If the popular church people don’t acknowledge you in front of everyone, or if you aren’t “the life of the party,” that does not define your worth nor your place in this life. Of course, I know it is really hard to see or feel this favor sometimes. What God wants us to do is to trust in the fact that He really does love us. God is teaching me that I don’t belong to this world, I belong only to Him. Praise and approval from people is only temporary, His praise and honor is what I need to strive for. I’m learning everyday how to seek Him. I challenge my fellow in-betweeners to rest assured that God has a special purpose and a plan for you. Even though you can’t see it, God knows why He’s set you apart. Rejoice in your uniqueness!!

Hey guys!

So...I'm starting a fresh new blog. Just to have something to look forward to every week. I'm beginning to embark on a new adventure in this season of post-college life.

The name of it is Red Letter Weekly...just to share some thoughts on what God puts on my heart...or maybe the hearts of others. I find God's promises in every part of my life, His red letters are in every situation that arises.

A little bit about me...to those who don't know...my name is Lorenzo (Larry to my really good friends). I am a sinner saved by God's love, with a huge passion for acting and entertainment. My biggest dream is to make movies, be in them, and just entertain people for a living. It's a long road ahead...but I've got a good start.

Well, that's me....I'll check back in on Friday with another post.