Well, I am not entirely surprised at the fact that I missed last week's post! Not sure how I can make amends for that other than by just posting one for this week.
Lately...I have been going through a big healing process. Not really from sickness, but from all the emotional and spiritual junk that has been living in my spirit for far too long. Anyone else ever feel like that? Like, you're just tired of being mad and frustrated about things that already happened? Well, that's me. I am just ready to be free from all of it.
Some of it is hurt from church folk (the usual) and other things are just personal. One of them is doubt. I am a big doubter. Not sure why, but I have allowed myself to doubt the very power that I claim to possess. Every time I pray, I always seem to have this haunting ghostly thought of, "That's IF He wants to...He might not want to. His will right?"
These very thoughts hinder my overall faith in the FACT that God CAN do ANYTHING I ask for. They have been keeping me from asking, seeking and knocking...and possibly delaying doors and answers for my behalf. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. Only a couple of people are actually willing to listen and understand my situation.
If you struggle with this, you are GREATLY frowned upon in the Christian circles. Mainly because the Bible clearly says that if anyone doubts, then he should not bother asking because he is praying while expecting nothing. Therefore it is an absence of faith. So if you seem frustrated, or if you are not happy because you feel things aren't going your way...some Christians will tell you that you are either in sin, or that you shouldn't be frustrated and you should force yourself to be happy.
Well, I can say that even though those people really do mean well and they really intend for you to feel better....it never ever makes me feel better whenever I hear cliche Christian answers like that.
If I am struggling with doubt, or if I am struggling with my faith (as everyone does) I am not one to hide it and pretend I'm okay, because I know in my heart that I'm lying. If I need prayer, I ask for it. I'm not afraid to. However I have seen so many Christians put on a performance of perfection that just makes me sick to my stomach. I have even seen some say that their life is so awesome that they don't need any prayer. For so long, I wanted to be that happy...and it just never comes. Because let's face it, who's life is THAT perfect? Since when does EVERYTHING go right?
I've been reading a book by CS Lewis called "The Great Divorce" and it is about leaving your struggles behind and leaning on God to support you as you journey into a new life. Many people will take the easy way out and stay where they are comfortable. For some people, that means forever remaining in their anger, depression, arrogance, perfection etc. However, I am not letting my hurt keep me from making more friends, and I am not letting my doubts keep me from asking. Because most Christians fail to acknowledge to a doubting individual that the Bible also says that even the tiniest bit of faith can move a mountain.
As my book says, we can choose to remain in our slump, or try to get out and get to a better place. I'm choosing to strive for that better place.
As for the performers, the "perfect" people who never need prayer, what will you do when you are deprived of your joy? Will people even believe you when you finally fall? Sometimes thinking you're walking on water can be a very dangerous mindset. It is by grace we are saved, through FAITH and not from OURSELVES.
I may not be perfect, I may not follow all the rules, but I know in my heart that I want to believe like I have already received my blessing. I want to see pictures of the people I knew from church and smile and not get angry. I want to forgive and forget. I want to believe that my spirit is healed. So when I ask God for all these things, I want to claim it as if it has already happened, and not walk by what I see or feel.
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