Confessions from my Nostalgia

I felt a little nostalgic last night and began to dig through my old picture albums. I recall so clearly every moment I captured. Here lately, I've been going through a little bit of depression. Lots of stuff in my life had taken a toll on me and has completely stole my joy. I feel like I have a huge load that I just can't give away, even though God says He'll take it. If only it felt that simple to just let it all go, but I'm learning.

As I pondered over my pictures, I remembered how happy I was...and I know that person is still there inside of me. I saw high school me, and early college me...and I look so carefree, with a beam in my eye taking life as it goes. Then, the smile disappears...I grew up. Not in a good way, I feel like. Little did I know what would happen. I'd lose friends, I'd face adversity in my church, and I'd get a harsh reality that I need to figure out where my life is going. I'd also face many obstacles in work, relationships, and family. Will this nightmare ever end? I ask myself constantly this very question.

I hear this small voice in the back of my head tell me that this will all make sense eventually. It says that I've made it through so much, and that the night never lasts forever. The more I try to find God in the midst of the darkness, the more I feel my past dwindling away. My hurt turns into compassion and forgiveness. My bitterness turns into newfound hope. My anger turns into peace. My envy turns into thankfulness.

Despite the things I've had the misfortune of going through, I can say that God has never left my side. People leave left and right because loyalty is not in the heart of this world. This world is such a self centered place. It's rare to find a loyal soul to lift you up in the times of trial. Most people want their friends to always be happy so there's no drama. What's awesome about The Lord is that He loves you no matter what version of you He's getting. He loves you when you're happy, sad, frustrated, angry, you name it. This is something that's becoming even more real to me in this trying time.

Even though I wish sometimes that things could be better, I feel so much bliss in knowing that God can use these things to help someone else. So, if you feel like you just can't win...you're not alone. While you may be unsure about lots of things, you can be sure that God has a plan for you. A very dear friend of mine told me something I will never forget. He said that God's plan for you is victory. Every day is a step toward that victory. It's not important whether you feel it or not, what matters is that you have that trust in His ultimate plan. So, with all this being said...it's time to let go of what has happened, and move ahead. Don't look back, and don't give up. Even if you feel like you've had enough, know that God is never going to leave your side. The storm will pass, that's how it always has been.

All Right

All Right:

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry I'm not being faithful in making this blog a weekly thing....it kind of makes the name of this blog a bit of a joke. Hahahaha!

Anyway, it's been crazy lately. I've been all over the place, and in rehearsals for a big production of The Addams Family in San Antonio. I'm excited to see how it will turn out. We've been working so hard...and it's been a really trying process. Since the beginning, it's been difficult for me to get focused because of all the things that run around in my mind.

In my spiritual life lately, I've been surrounded with nothing but hardship. None of it is my own. It's the people around me. During the Holiday season, some friends of mine lost their mother. Another family we knew lost their daughter. And right now, my grandmother is very very ill. There's been lots of family drama surrounding it. I won't go into the details, because it isn't necessary. All I can say is that it has taken a toll on every member of my immediate family; My mom, my dad, and myself.

The toll that all this drama has taken on me in the past few months is not your typical sorrow...the effects of what's been happening has taken it's root in other places in my heart. The enemy has been attacking in the same place where I've always allowed him in. That place is my self-esteem. There were days that I felt like a piece of junk. I felt absolutely no value in who I was. I felt alone. I felt that God was not hearing my multiple cries for help.

I didn't know what to do but start reading the word, even more than I had before. I found promise after promise, reminder after reminder. I was constantly seeing things that reminded me of His love, His presence in my life, and His ability to make a way for me to get through anything.

Now, the problem I face in all of this is that I have all these reminders....yet I still fail to believe in it. You know, life sucks sometimes...and sometimes it feels like God does know you, but He doesn't really like you. If He did, your life would be so much better. That is such a dangerous lie that is disguised as a truth. The way someone can detect truth from lies is that a lie, even when it feels true, it still leaves you angry or frustrated. Truth, when it stings a little, always motivates you to better yourself...and never belittle yourself.

It's amazing how God can speak to us through various avenues....when ink and paper don't work, He uses something else. For me, it's music. Before I go to sleep, I usually put on music. Recently, I had an urge to put on Amy Grant's "Lead Me On"  album. That album is so special to me. It reminded me of several things that I had heard from Him before, His love, His presence, and His faithfulness. One song in particular that stands out to me in that album is a song called "All Right."

The title speaks for itself. It's all right. Whatever comes. It's all right. My favorite part of the song is the bridge, and it says:

"When will I learn, there are no guarantees?
What strengthens hope, my eyes have never seen.
But it won't be long, till the faith will be sight
And the heavens will say,
It's all right"

A very good friend of mine told me that even when I'm at my lowest low, the fact that I have God on my side is enough to know that it will be all right. Even though sometimes it may feel like He's not there, He is. When you quiet your mind and heart, you will hear Him say, "It's all right."

Into The Woods

So, I have to write about this....because this musical is something that means so much to me...I can't even begin to describe how much it has touched me. Recently, I went to see the film adaptation of Stephen Sondheim and James Lapine's theatrical masterpiece, "Into the Woods." It was very good. I was very pleased with it. Everyone did an amazing job! However, if the staged version is in your hometown...please take a chance to see it. It's awesome.

A little condensed version of the story. "Into the Woods" is about a lonely baker and his wife who desire a child, and the only way to break the curse of infertility is to go and bring the witch four items: a gold slipper, yellow hair, a white cow, and a red cape. All those items belong to fairy tale characters that we know and love....who also happen to be on a journey of their own.

I had the pleasure of being in this show in October of 2013, and it was more of a journey than just another show. Lots of lessons were learned throughout the rehearsal process. At the time...I was fixing to graduate college, and I was contemplating my next step. Stress began to pile up as I searched and scrounged for the answers and a clear path. Also, I began to contemplate that I'd be leaving the little city that I grew somewhat attached to. I also thought about the good times I had, and the bad times. I also thought about the people I encountered...the ones I thought would be long-lasting friends, and then turned out to be strangers. I felt afraid of the future, I felt discouraged by my past, and I was uncertain of which way to go. In the story, I identified with each character in some way, shape or form. Here are a few that stand out to me the most...

Red Riding Hood:

I identify with Little Red in a few ways. In the story, she was given a task; to go to grandmother's house to give her bread and NOT TO STRAY from the path. Of course, she is deceived by a wolf and devoured, ultimately having to be rescued from the pit. This can be a metaphor to anyone who is wandering throughout life, thinking "That will never happen to me." Little Red says in the opening number:

"The way is clear, the light is good, I have no fear nor no one should. The woods are just trees, the trees are just wood."

Of course, in her blind confidence, she was not careful. There are times where I've wandered from my faith, from God, from my values, and from the people who truly care about me in pursuit of something I don't really need. (A relationship/friendship, money, etc.)  In doing that, I make the journey to my destination even harder and with unwelcome guests. The wolves in my life were only let in by me allowing them in...just like Little Red could have avoided him by just saying, "No." I could have avoided them by resisting as well. Thankfully...I was given a second chance. God has always been there to take me out of the wolf's belly and back onto the path.

"Take extra care with strangers, even flowers have their dangers. And though scary seems exciting. Nice is different than good."

Jack:

Everyone knows the story of Jack, the one who stole from the giant and killed him, and also the one who stupidly traded a cow for beans. In the story, Jack's character is motivated by what people think of him, and trying to impress people. All he wants is a companion. I think Jack's character is a metaphor for someone that one might call a "people-pleaser." I've known several people like that...and even I, myself, am like that at times. I try to prove myself by showing them what I can do, the golden harps I can steal, the giants I can slay, or the many things I have seen. When in all reality, it doesn't matter. the ones who love you will stay by your side...even when you're down. Jack finds his true friends in the end, and he's not as rich as he was before. I'm still learning that today. It's been a tough pill to swallow. Not everyone will remain by your side. Thankfully, God is always there to remind me that He is all I need.

Another thing about Jack is his desire for revenge. He wants to kill the steward for killing his mother (spoiler alert), and he wants to kill the giant for destroying the town. Revenge is something he thinks would satisfy him. However, the thing about revenge is that it is never satisfied. I'm learning that today too. I talk aimlessly about people who have hurt me, and I would love to see them hurt like I did...but really, what's the point? People make mistakes. We can't waste time seeing only our side. We need to just keep moving forward and forgive them. It's hard, but it's doable. You're not alone. Everyone has to fight this battle.

"People make mistakes, Fathers...Mothers...people make mistakes, holding to their own, thinking they're alone."

Prince Charming:

I relate to Prince Charming for obvious reasons, but that's beside the point. Ha, but in all seriousness, in the story, Prince Charming is the daring man who pursues Cinderella every time she runs from him. He blows her away at his charm, he is simply a dream. However, he is not sincere. Even though he acquired a wife, Cinderella, his eyes are not only on her...he has a wandering eye. Prince Charming is not Prince faithful, thus shattering the dream of perfection. His character is a metaphor for greed and lust. There have been many times that I have acquired something very desirable, and it has never been enough. I've always wanted more. Even at times, me having God hasn't been enough....when it should be. The love of God is a perfect dream, His acceptance of me is a dream. The fact that I wander away from Him for something temporary is shameful. The fact that I literally idolize my longing, and what I would love to have, is also shameful. This is another thing I'm still learning today. It's true, we need to cherish every moment life gives us...but we also need to acknowledge God. It is He who brings us life, and if we forget Him...we lose everything...no matter how rich we are.

Cinderella:

Cinderella is the kind young girl who humbly works for her family as a scullery maid under the direction of her late mother who always told her to be kind. Although she's been kind, her family has not been too responsive to it. They take advantage of her, because she can't speak up for herself. When she finally requests to go to the festival, they do not allow her. All Cinderella wants is a change from the life she has, and they won't allow it. When they leave, Cinderella visits her quiet place...a willow tree that grew from her mother's grave. There, she cries:

"I've been good and I've been kind mother, doing what I've learned from you. Why then am I left behind mother, is there something more that I should do?"

After she cries, her mother's spirit grants her one wish. Cinderella is then covered with silver and gold and is able to go to festival. Her presence at the festival ultimately is her key to escape the horrible life she had at her own home. You'd think that everything was "happily ever after" afterward, right? Wrong. Her prince cheats on her, her mother's grave is destroyed, and her hope is gone.

Cinderella, to me, is a metaphor of long-suffering.  Earlier this year, I had to deal with a ton of unforgiveness I had towards certain people. I was nothing but kind to the people at my church, and they stepped all over me, and they were never there for me. Even though they said they were...I never felt welcome. I was also nothing but kind to my non-Christian friends. Even they treated me like crap. So I was left thinking, "What's the point in being kind?" A friend of mine then told me, "Well, you could be mean....will that make things better?" I didn't want to become mean, and I didn't want to become bitter...and I saw that creeping in.

Another thing about Cinderella is her dream of a better life. Everyone has that to a degree, and I know that has been a thing for me this year. I've had many new opportunities this year to grow as an actor/performer...and I'm ready for a new step. I've been crying at my own willow tree, begging God for something more. Of course, unlike Cinderella, God doesn't just give me what I want right away....He has me think about whether or not I really need it or not. Cinderella quickly learned that being at the highest high wasn't what she really wanted, even though the idea seemed nice. Even though the longing is still in me and the anxiousness grows, I need to be patient and trust God and know He holds the answer to my questions.

Though things may not be all right, the hope I have is that God has things happen for a reason. What I need to do is keep seeking Him and trying my best to be kind despite how my life is.

I will end this very lengthy post with this small trinket of hope. I distinctly remember singing these words during my time in "Into the Woods." It is in the finale:

"Though it's fearful, though it's deep, though it's dark, and though you may lose the path, though you may encounter wolves (...)

So into the woods you go again, you have to every now and then

Into the woods, no telling when, be ready for the journey (...)

The way is dark, the light is dim, but now there's you, me, her and him

The chances look small, the choices look grim, but everything you learn there will help when you return there (...)

Into the woods you have to grope, but that's the way you learn to cope

Into the woods to find there's hope of getting through the journey

Into the woods, each time you go, there's more to learn than what you know ..."

There's so much life in these words. This gives me the hope that wherever I am in my life, that I will learn from it, and I will be ready whenever another hard time comes. Right now, I can say that I am in a deep, and dark part of the woods. I've been there many times, and it's never the same....but I've also come out alive....despite the wolf bites, the giants, and the seducing flowers. God says this life won't be easy, but what He also says is that He'll never leave our side. People will leave you stranded in the middle of the woods, that's happened to me countless times, but God has been there. I always ended up coming back to Him. Being in the woods taught me that when I don't know where to go, I don't need to stop walking....I need to keep going....eventually, I'll get out. That is, until...I have to go in again.

The Promise Behind Hard Times

The world is a very weird place. Not only is the earth a very noisy planet...but the way life on earth is can be a crazy ride. Lately in my life...I've seen lots of change, and lots of things come to an end. Shows have opened and closed, friends have come and gone (mostly gone), and lives of people I love have come to an end.

What's been the hardest thing for me to swallow is the fact that most of the things that have happened cannot be undone. I can't make the shows happen again. I can't make my friends come back into my life. I can't bring the dead to life. Though I wish with all of my heart that I could turn back time and do things differently...I can't. That's hard for a person like me, because the one question I hate answering is, "Now what?" I wish I had a definite answer, but most of the time I don't.

The question that I hate asking is, "Why?" Whenever I ask that....I never get a reason....I get a vague response...and I'm left trusting that whatever happened was for a reason. Just recently, a woman whom I dearly loved passed away unexpectedly. She was a teacher, a fellow believer, an encourager, a prayer warrior, and ultimately a mother and a grandmother. She was taken right before thanksgiving...which I can imagine was very tough for her family, whom have all been good friends to me.

I found myself a little upset. I was upset that this amazing woman of God, who had done nothing wrong...was taken so suddenly. While several others who are the most horrible people I have ever had the displeasure to know, receive nothing but good news. It makes me angry. It's not fair, and I know lots of people agree.

As I sat there, having my little tantrum...God manages to get a few words in. He always says, "Trust me. You know that I'm good. You know my words, yet you try to find ways to make me seem unfair. There are lessons to be learned and reasons why that you don't see yet. Trust me, and see that whatever happens, I never change."

Of course, I have my "but this..." and "but that..." and "but this person did this..." ....but I know deep down that truly God is good.

All good things come to and end...which guarantees that all bad things come to an end. We grieve for a while, we pout for a while, and we get mad for a while...but there will come a day where every moment will be filled with joy. We don't know when, but we can rest assured that it will come.

Remember, God is sovereign. He knows what's happening. He knows why you're sad, angry, or disappointed. So if He knows why, you can find comfort in that. He will lead you out of this, and into something new. He won't lie...or sell you short. He really is good.

Carrie: Blood, Pain, and Torment

First off, I apologize for my neglect of this blog. Life has been taking a bit of speed with theatre, and job interviews (fingers crossed!!). God really is good.

My latest theatre venture is the musical adaptation of the Stephen King classic, "Carrie." It's been crazy so far. The music is so dynamic and challenging, that's a good thing of course. The story is even more compelling, and it relates to a ton of things in my life. It's amazing how theatre takes you back to places that haunt you, and places that make you smile. This musical is more haunting to me, and it makes me even more aware of the supernatural battle that is going on all around us. The battle between truth and lies, good and evil, friends and enemies, and God and the enemy.

To those who don't know the story of "Carrie," let me break it down for you. It is the story of a painfully shy young teenager with telekinetic powers who comes from a strictly religious home with an overbearing mother. She goes to a high school where she is constantly bullied. She's a very wounded soul. All the pain and hurt she's enduring leads her to lash out in full-fledged anger against her wounders. She murders all her classmates at their high school prom after a wicked trick.

In the show, I play one of Carrie's tormentors. His name is Freddy. He's the type of guy who loves to joke around and laugh. That's what people like him for. He's not a weirdo like Carrie. He does not stand out one bit. He's in the in crowd. He fits in. 

Throughout the entire rehearsal process of this very emotional show, I've been thinking about my spiritual connection with it. It's scary how much this process is making me think. As I sit there, poring over my music and lines, I think about everyone that's hurt me in my life. I know the names and faces so well. I see the friends, family members, teachers, classmates, co-workers, you name it. It moves me to tears at how many people have broken my heart in my 21 years of life. I ask myself, "Why do I trust anyone anymore?" "Why would God allow this?" "What can I do to make people like me?" I believe everyone's had their share of heartbreak from people in their lives. 

I think about my life in high school. It was a madhouse of cliques and rumors galore. Exclusion. Rejection. Criticism. Socially, I could never win at my high school. My senior year left me so mad at everyone at that school. What disappointed me most was that it was a Christian school. I only caught a few glimpses of God's love in the 5 years I was there. 

I think about my life in college. Struggling to fit in both at church and outside. Being rejected and excluded by my fellow churchgoers. Being screwed over time and time again every time I had the chance to get more involved. The fakes. The religious fanatics. The cliques. The lies.

I also think about the good times. The friends I did make. The laughs I shared. The jokes. The late night talks. The times when I felt like I didn't have to pretend so much. The times I felt free to be who I am with no judgement. The times I could open up. 

I also think about times where I was on the other end of the spectrum. The times I wounded others without thinking how my words made them feel. The times I pointed and laughed at someone who was different than I was. The times where I've gossiped about my friends behind their back. The times where I was definitely not perfect. The times where my flaws were shown. 

There have been times where I feel like Carrie, rejected and alone. Then there are times where I feel like Freddy, laughing and loving my circle of friends. Despite all the heartbreak, the betrayal, and even the good times....God has been there. He's led me through all these things, and not without a purpose. Right now, I may not understand why. I might not understand for a long while, but I do know that God has a plan. 

What if Carrie had chosen to not lash out? What if she had just endured for a little while longer? Could she have prevented her own demise, as well as the demise of hundreds of people? 

What if we just waited a little longer? What if we don't let the anger become us? What if we hold on to God's words, "Vengeance is mine?"Sometimes, we won't ever hear an "I'm sorry" from the people who hurt us. An apology should not be a requirement for forgiveness, and forgiveness does not mean be passive. Forgiveness is just a way of acknowledging the wrong and using the grace inside of you to erase the blame. Of course, things won't be the same....but there's enough room to start again. 

One thing that this show is teaching me, is that anger is not worth the time. Whatever God has you in, He will be faithful to lead you out. God led me out of high school, out of my church in Lubbock, and He is going to lead me out of whatever i'm going through right now. Life is way too short to worry about getting even. 

Tommy Can You Hear Me?

So my latest theatre venture is a rock opera called "Tommy." Basically it is the journey of a young boy who is left in a catatonic state after witnessing a murder in his own home. When he is in the senseless state, he becomes subject to all kinds of abuse. Not only is he a victim, but all the other characters are victims of something. There's doubt, drugs, alcohol, sex, trauma, neglect, betrayal, and ultimately forgiveness. So yeah, it's a heavy show.

It's gotten me to think about my spiritual life. Theatre seems to do that with me. In almost every show I've been in, I've connected with it spiritually in some way. With a content heavy show like this one, the only thing people will see is the things that bother them. However, the big picture is what I tend to look at. The overall story that it's trying to convey. That's what I usually see and that's where I see if God is trying to tell me something through the art I am in.

What Tommy has been teaching me is that I need to stop being a victim. I have experienced quite a bit of hurt here recently, and I'm refusing to let it go. Mostly because I am too proud to admit that I'm wrong for holding this in for so long. I think that lately I have been in a spiritual catatonic state. I know God is here, but I have been wallowing in this hurt for so long, that I can't see, hear, or feel Him...let alone talk to Him. The only way to break free is to break away the things that hold me back. In Tommy's case, it is the mirror he witnessed the tragic murder in. Once the mirror is broken, he becomes free.

I think that God is trying to move me away, so He can smash the mirror that reminds me of my past. See, only His grace and mercy can set us free. In in Him we are truly free indeed. It's our choice to walk in that freedom or not. God is the one who has shed light on these things in my life that have hurt me. I know that it is time for not only me, but everyone else who has been hurt to rise up and listen to The Lord and let Him guide you out into a new season.
If you're tired of being angry, being hurt, being a victim, stand up and proclaim your freedom. Smash the mirror. Forget your past and let God remind you of what's ahead for you. Let His light shine in your life! As this verse says:

"for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” (Ephesians 5:14 NLT)

I know that I am sick and tired of being bullied by what happened at church. I'm tired of even seeing a church and getting mad. I'm sick of seeing someone from that church post on social media and get angry. I want to see, feel, and hear God in a whole new way.

I know what I can do to be free, but I also know what God can do to make me even more free. Only He can make things new. You can't do anything apart from Him. People can hurt you, but God can heal you. So move forward, even though you feel like you cannot. Just that one prayer will move you closer to the light. The question is, will you be brave enough to face your past and say, "I've had enough."

If We're Honest

I cannot stop listening to this album by Francesca Battistelli! I've heard mixed reviews of her music...like, some of the Christian people I know think her music is cheesy...or a little too playful. With music, I like to have my own opinion of it. So naturally, I gave her albums a listen on my own. I usually listen to albums, because the radio singles aren't nearly enough to define an artists sound...or even the overall message of the album.

Her first album, I can say it was a little playful...but it had some great songs that still speak to me. (I'm Letting Go, Time In Between, Unpredictable). However...her second album was even more heartfelt. Every song had a special story to tell, and it related to me big time. It got me through some college stress, and even some church hurt. (Something More, Strangely Dim, Don't Miss It, It's Love).

After giving ALL of her music a good listen, I have come to a conclusion that if people don't like her...they just have no heart basically. This is some good stuff! Like seriously, I sit in my car and claim every blessing and every encouragement that she delivers. She really hits home with those lyrics, not to mention the catchy beats.

Her latest effort though...is by far her best album EVER. It is called "If We're Honest" and it is amazing! Literally every song speaks to me in a different way. It really met me in the middle of a tough season of healing, restoration, and preparation. God has been speaking to me through this album in ways that I have never experienced before.

Lately, in this season of post college grad-life, it has been a little tough. Finding work is tough, keeping your confidence high is tough, and basically figuring out who you are is just tough. There's so many questions, desires, and requests being made, that you think you're getting on God's nerves. My future seems like a huge giant, and I feel like a small David with a baby stone.

Also, I left college with so much baggage from stuff that happened (mostly in church). I went through a lot of exclusion and rejection. I felt screwed over in a place where I should have found love and acceptance. I was treated as spiritually weak, and I allowed myself to be deceived in the way I saw myself spiritually. I could have left, but I didn't. I didn't listen to God, and I hated myself because of that.

I felt like I was nothing but nice and good to those around me, and I never saw the blessing I was promised in Galatians. I had grown weary in doing good, and I was so angry.

See, right here....this was me. Being honest. That's something that some Christians lack. They aren't honest. They go around promoting perfection, and if you struggle...you are doing something wrong. Well, if you're honest...with yourself, and with God. He will help you, and He will know you in a much deeper sense.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, because I am way far from it. But what I am saying is that I am not afraid to tell you when I am not doing so hot. No one should be afraid to do that.

Anyway, I would like to share more about the songs...but maybe in another post. I have so much to say about this album. But this is how it related to me. I will share more about my favorite songs in tomorrow's post.

Be honest. Come as you are.  =)