Confessions of an In-Betweener

Hey guys!

So this is my first post on the Red Letter Weekly! To kick off this blog, I thought I would share something that I’ve been wrestling with for several months now. I hope that this can relate to anyone who reads this.

In my life, one of the biggest things that I resent is that I have always been an in-betweener. I never seem to fit in anywhere. In high school, I wasn’t a complete and total nerd, nor was I popular…I just existed. In college, it was the same thing. I didn’t hang around extremely “bad” people, but I also was not entirely accepted in the “good” crowd either. I simply floated…is that what they’re calling it now? I wasn’t bad enough for the bad people, and I wasn’t good enough for the good people….I was what I call an in-betweener.

When I was at the tender, young age of 17/18, I tried to fit in any way I could in college. I changed my whole life. I started doing things I never did before. I started cussing, drinking, more cussing etc. Nothing too extreme, but I did compromise some of my values for the sake of friends. I allowed myself to wander, but deep down I yearned for a better surrounding. On the inside, my spiritual being was hungry for a change. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I did not want to be popular in this sort of way.

So, sophomore year I began to strive for a turnaround, and I found it. I started making choices to party less, and surround myself with a better crowd at my church. It had a great start, and then something went wrong. I started noticing that my college church group was becoming very cliquish. After a few attempts to get involved in a leadership team, it just never worked out. To make a long, dramatic story short…I was excluded by many people at my church, and it hurt me deep down inside. (I’m trying so hard to say this in a very light-hearted way…) I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” to be involved as much as everyone else was, which is obviously a huge lie that felt true.

Never finding a clique to be a part of really made me question who I am, and it made me angry at the personality God gave me. I wished that I could just fit in somewhere, and not be so set apart. However, as I live day by day, I get reminded that I do fit in somewhere…in the Kingdom of God. He doesn’t see His people as a clique…He sees us all individually. I think I would rather be known and loved by Him instead of the good/bad crowd.  When I die, I won’t take my friends with me. It’ll just be God and I.

So, if you find yourself on the outside, an in-betweener struggling to find your place…search no more. You will find yourself in Christ. If you believe in your heart that you’re a sinner saved by Jesus’ sacrifice, that is all you need in this life. If the popular church people don’t acknowledge you in front of everyone, or if you aren’t “the life of the party,” that does not define your worth nor your place in this life. Of course, I know it is really hard to see or feel this favor sometimes. What God wants us to do is to trust in the fact that He really does love us. God is teaching me that I don’t belong to this world, I belong only to Him. Praise and approval from people is only temporary, His praise and honor is what I need to strive for. I’m learning everyday how to seek Him. I challenge my fellow in-betweeners to rest assured that God has a special purpose and a plan for you. Even though you can’t see it, God knows why He’s set you apart. Rejoice in your uniqueness!!