Tommy Can You Hear Me?

So my latest theatre venture is a rock opera called "Tommy." Basically it is the journey of a young boy who is left in a catatonic state after witnessing a murder in his own home. When he is in the senseless state, he becomes subject to all kinds of abuse. Not only is he a victim, but all the other characters are victims of something. There's doubt, drugs, alcohol, sex, trauma, neglect, betrayal, and ultimately forgiveness. So yeah, it's a heavy show.

It's gotten me to think about my spiritual life. Theatre seems to do that with me. In almost every show I've been in, I've connected with it spiritually in some way. With a content heavy show like this one, the only thing people will see is the things that bother them. However, the big picture is what I tend to look at. The overall story that it's trying to convey. That's what I usually see and that's where I see if God is trying to tell me something through the art I am in.

What Tommy has been teaching me is that I need to stop being a victim. I have experienced quite a bit of hurt here recently, and I'm refusing to let it go. Mostly because I am too proud to admit that I'm wrong for holding this in for so long. I think that lately I have been in a spiritual catatonic state. I know God is here, but I have been wallowing in this hurt for so long, that I can't see, hear, or feel Him...let alone talk to Him. The only way to break free is to break away the things that hold me back. In Tommy's case, it is the mirror he witnessed the tragic murder in. Once the mirror is broken, he becomes free.

I think that God is trying to move me away, so He can smash the mirror that reminds me of my past. See, only His grace and mercy can set us free. In in Him we are truly free indeed. It's our choice to walk in that freedom or not. God is the one who has shed light on these things in my life that have hurt me. I know that it is time for not only me, but everyone else who has been hurt to rise up and listen to The Lord and let Him guide you out into a new season.
If you're tired of being angry, being hurt, being a victim, stand up and proclaim your freedom. Smash the mirror. Forget your past and let God remind you of what's ahead for you. Let His light shine in your life! As this verse says:

"for the light makes everything visible. This is why it is said, “Awake, O sleeper, rise up from the dead, and Christ will give you light.” (Ephesians 5:14 NLT)

I know that I am sick and tired of being bullied by what happened at church. I'm tired of even seeing a church and getting mad. I'm sick of seeing someone from that church post on social media and get angry. I want to see, feel, and hear God in a whole new way.

I know what I can do to be free, but I also know what God can do to make me even more free. Only He can make things new. You can't do anything apart from Him. People can hurt you, but God can heal you. So move forward, even though you feel like you cannot. Just that one prayer will move you closer to the light. The question is, will you be brave enough to face your past and say, "I've had enough."

If We're Honest

I cannot stop listening to this album by Francesca Battistelli! I've heard mixed reviews of her music...like, some of the Christian people I know think her music is cheesy...or a little too playful. With music, I like to have my own opinion of it. So naturally, I gave her albums a listen on my own. I usually listen to albums, because the radio singles aren't nearly enough to define an artists sound...or even the overall message of the album.

Her first album, I can say it was a little playful...but it had some great songs that still speak to me. (I'm Letting Go, Time In Between, Unpredictable). However...her second album was even more heartfelt. Every song had a special story to tell, and it related to me big time. It got me through some college stress, and even some church hurt. (Something More, Strangely Dim, Don't Miss It, It's Love).

After giving ALL of her music a good listen, I have come to a conclusion that if people don't like her...they just have no heart basically. This is some good stuff! Like seriously, I sit in my car and claim every blessing and every encouragement that she delivers. She really hits home with those lyrics, not to mention the catchy beats.

Her latest effort though...is by far her best album EVER. It is called "If We're Honest" and it is amazing! Literally every song speaks to me in a different way. It really met me in the middle of a tough season of healing, restoration, and preparation. God has been speaking to me through this album in ways that I have never experienced before.

Lately, in this season of post college grad-life, it has been a little tough. Finding work is tough, keeping your confidence high is tough, and basically figuring out who you are is just tough. There's so many questions, desires, and requests being made, that you think you're getting on God's nerves. My future seems like a huge giant, and I feel like a small David with a baby stone.

Also, I left college with so much baggage from stuff that happened (mostly in church). I went through a lot of exclusion and rejection. I felt screwed over in a place where I should have found love and acceptance. I was treated as spiritually weak, and I allowed myself to be deceived in the way I saw myself spiritually. I could have left, but I didn't. I didn't listen to God, and I hated myself because of that.

I felt like I was nothing but nice and good to those around me, and I never saw the blessing I was promised in Galatians. I had grown weary in doing good, and I was so angry.

See, right here....this was me. Being honest. That's something that some Christians lack. They aren't honest. They go around promoting perfection, and if you struggle...you are doing something wrong. Well, if you're honest...with yourself, and with God. He will help you, and He will know you in a much deeper sense.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, because I am way far from it. But what I am saying is that I am not afraid to tell you when I am not doing so hot. No one should be afraid to do that.

Anyway, I would like to share more about the songs...but maybe in another post. I have so much to say about this album. But this is how it related to me. I will share more about my favorite songs in tomorrow's post.

Be honest. Come as you are.  =)

Whole Again

So, this week's post will be a music post.

I listen to a ton of music, and right now I'm on a huge contemporary Christian phase. This song has been one of my favorites lately.

This song is called "Whole Again" and it is by Jennifer Knapp. Does anyone remember her? She's pretty awesome, and she's come a long way since her Christian music days. However, God's words never come back void, and I know she appreciates hearing how people still listen to her early material.

This is one of her really old songs, and it is really speaking to me now.

It is about someone who is wanting to be healed, but isn't sure how to ask for it. The song is like a prayer from someone who hasn't been on their knees in a long while, and they are kind of ashamed of how broken they've become. I think that is a lot like how some people get. For me, it is quite frequently. I had to learn that God really means it when He says, "Come as you are." Sometimes, I don't want to...I hide, just like Adam in the garden.

Lately it's been a thing where I am just too hurt, or too disappointed to pray. In the back of my mind, I know that I need to be put back together again. One can only go so long while broken.  The song says:

If I give my life,
If I lay it down,
Can You turn this life around?

Can I be made clean,
By this offering of my soul?
Can I be made whole again?

Of course, the answer is yes, but how easy is it to believe it? That's something that has always been a challenge for me since I was a little boy. I'm a type that wants things instantaneously, so I can move forward. Although, I am aware that healing and faith is not something that you can instantly get...it takes some effort. We have an adversary that comes and tries to make us give up even before we begin to try to get up out of our hurt. For some people, he wins.

I know I don't want him to win, because he is already defeated. He has no victory, the Bible says so. That is where we can find hope. God is on our side no matter what, and He has the victory no matter what. When, Where, Why, and How Long shouldn't matter, because He has it figured out already. The key is to trust Him, just like you'd trust your best friend...or your significant other.

In my life, I have experienced so much, and I have made it through so much...it's incredible. I've gone through loss, grief, bullying, exclusion, betrayal, and much disappointment. So yeah, I'm a broken man. Have I let that stop me from saying that I believe there's a God? Absolutely not.

If there was no hope at all for me, I probably would not be here writing this blog...

With all that I've gone through...I realize that being mad at God won't make it better. In fact, clinging to Him gives me even more comfort...because He is a comforter. He knows why we are going through whatever we're going through...even though we might not understand why. Just the fact that He knows why, and that He'll use it to help someone one day just makes me feel a little better about it.

Right now is the time for me to continue reaching for God's hands to pull me through, instead of other things. I need to get up, and try to inch myself forward. I don't know where anyone's life may be, but I encourage you to keep looking to Him...even when things are good. Thinking that you're "all good" is probably the most prideful thing that someone could say. I've heard that so many times, and for a while I longed to be there...but now I realize that it wouldn't be honest. We always need God, and that is the truth (no matter what man has said). Because He is the only one who can truly make us whole again.

Listen to Whole again here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pW8rSJFH9MI

Confessions of a Person in Waiting

In this world, I see a ton of things...and I want a ton of things. Of course, I can't have them all. I'm okay with that. I know they will come in time. Patience, they say, is a virtue....honestly I think it is the most painful virtue ever.

With patience comes waiting...and that is so hard for me. (Especially since I am a natural fidgeter...and I cannot stay still to save my life.) While waiting, you see people go before you....some people go before you who weren't even waiting for as long as you are....and you see people cut in line...you see people have special privileges to get ahead....the list goes on and on. But you wait patiently....awaiting for your name to be called, and for the door to open.

Who else is in a time of waiting? I admit, that it is frustrating, and most days you just pace the floor wondering when your turn will come. I distinctly remember someone from my church in Lubbock ask me if I was frustrated....like I shouldn't be. It really didn't help me feel better about my situation, nor did it encourage me to be happy. It just made me feel belittled, and that I was weaker than everyone. "Because a child of God, should NEVER feel frustrated." Of course, I could choose to be angry at the way he made me feel when he asked me that, but now I'm just learning how to treat others better from that.

If you feel frustrated, give it to God. Talk to Him about it. It really lets off steam, and He listens better than this person did for me, and better than anyone else in this world. Friends who claim to be there for you won't be there when you need them, but God always remains. Even though I cannot see Him, I know He's there...I just refuse to speak to Him because I think that He's making me wait.

It's not fair to see things work out for people you think don't deserve it. You probably think that you deserve the blessing even more so than person A or person B. I say this, because I have thought these very things...and I've only ended up more angry and frustrated than before.

The solution to frustration in waiting is to remember what God's word says. John 14:14 says if you ask anything in Jesus' name He will do it.

To the people who feel like they are being cheated of a blessing...Galatians 6:9 says do not grow weary of doing good, because in DUE TIME we will REAP a HARVEST. If we DON'T GIVE UP.

And this classic gem, Romans 8:28 says God causes EVERYTHING to work together for the GOOD of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose.

These three are my favorites, but there are SO MANY MORE in the Bible about how God's faithfulness is so amazing and outstanding. Even though we may feel like there's nothing coming our way, or even when we feel like we've sinned way too much for any blessing to come our way...God is so faithful that His blessings will come when we least expect it. Just keep on focussing on Him.

Day by day I am learning to do just that as I figure out the plan that God has for my life. I'm not saying that it's easy...because people can be really ugly along the way (Even people in church). What I need to learn, and many many others in this world need to learn, is to forgive those people and love them regardless of what they've done. God does it for us, so we need to be like Him and do the same. Galatians 6:10 says to continue doing good, even to the people in the family of faith. So yes, I know I must continue to love my Christian brothers and sisters...even though they are not perfect.

So keep your chins up and lets sit and wait together! When our turn comes, we will be smiling and cheering each other on...and not grumbling about it. Encourage those who are feeling frustrated, and comfort them. It'll only make the waiting easier for them.

Remember, in order to have a taste of Heaven on Earth...leave your Hell behind.





Oh and speaking of things I'm waiting for....I have been waiting for another theatre opportunity ever since I graduated college...and it's finally here. Tonight is the opening night of one of the biggest shows I have ever done! It is a step above everything I have ever done in my acting career and I believe it will only get better!!

God is SO faithful! See you all next week!

Confessions of a Doubter

Well, I am not entirely surprised at the fact that I missed last week's post! Not sure how I can make amends for that other than by just posting one for this week.

Lately...I have been going through a big healing process. Not really from sickness, but from all the emotional and spiritual junk that has been living in my spirit for far too long. Anyone else ever feel like that? Like, you're just tired of being mad and frustrated about things that already happened? Well, that's me. I am just ready to be free from all of it.

Some of it is hurt from church folk (the usual) and other things are just personal. One of them is doubt. I am a big doubter. Not sure why, but I have allowed myself to doubt the very power that I claim to possess. Every time I pray, I always seem to have this haunting ghostly thought of, "That's IF He wants to...He might not want to. His will right?"

These very thoughts hinder my overall faith in the FACT that God CAN do ANYTHING I ask for. They have been keeping me from asking, seeking and knocking...and possibly delaying doors and answers for my behalf. It has been a lifelong struggle for me. Only a couple of people are actually willing to listen and understand my situation.

If you struggle with this, you are GREATLY frowned upon in the Christian circles. Mainly because the Bible clearly says that if anyone doubts, then he should not bother asking because he is praying while expecting nothing. Therefore it is an absence of faith. So if you seem frustrated, or if you are not happy because you feel things aren't going your way...some Christians will tell you that you are either in sin, or that you shouldn't be frustrated and you should force yourself to be happy.

Well, I can say that even though those people really do mean well and they really intend for you to feel better....it never ever makes me feel better whenever I hear cliche Christian answers like that.

If I am struggling with doubt, or if I am struggling with my faith (as everyone does) I am not one to hide it and pretend I'm okay, because I know in my heart that I'm lying. If I need prayer, I ask for it. I'm not afraid to. However I have seen so many Christians put on a performance of perfection that just makes me sick to my stomach. I have even seen some say that their life is so awesome that they don't need any prayer. For so long, I wanted to be that happy...and it just never comes. Because let's face it, who's life is THAT perfect? Since when does EVERYTHING go right?

I've been reading a book by CS Lewis called "The Great Divorce" and it is about leaving your struggles behind and leaning on God to support you as you journey into a new life. Many people will take the easy way out and stay where they are comfortable. For some people, that means forever remaining in their anger, depression, arrogance, perfection etc. However, I am not letting my hurt keep me from making more friends, and I am not letting my doubts keep me from asking. Because most Christians fail to acknowledge to a doubting individual that the Bible also says that even the tiniest bit of faith can move a mountain.

As my book says, we can choose to remain in our slump, or try to get out and get to a better place. I'm choosing to strive for that better place.

As for the performers, the "perfect" people who never need prayer, what will you do when you are deprived of your joy? Will people even believe you when you finally fall? Sometimes thinking you're walking on water can be a very dangerous mindset. It is by grace we are saved, through FAITH and not from OURSELVES.

I may not be perfect, I may not follow all the rules, but I know in my heart that I want to believe like I have already received my blessing. I want to see pictures of the people I knew from church and smile and not get angry. I want to forgive and forget. I want to believe that my spirit is healed. So when I ask God for all these things, I want to claim it as if it has already happened, and not walk by what I see or feel.

How I Express My Faith in Theatre

Well, many people have been telling me to share about my expression of faith through theatre…so I figured why not? I have a huge passion for the arts. I love to draw, paint, sing, act, and play piano. Music and art are my whole entire life and I love them so much. I could not imagine my life without them. However, even though I love these things…sometimes things can get messy. But what’s art without a mess?

One of the biggest art forms that has taken on a big prominence in my life is my acting. I’m no Hollywood celebrity, but I’m planning on getting there one day with God’s help. He can and will do anything I ask in His name, and it will happen according to His plan and purpose. Having said that, here is how I discovered my love for the theatre.

Since everything came to be from God himself, that is where I began my journey as an actor. I started in my amazing home church; I began singing in choirs…and eventually landing a lead role in a musical (completely involuntary of course…I was 8 years old). Ever since I can remember, me and my sister have always been acting. We created characters, we acted out Disney movies, and we always sang; so it is no coincidence that we love musical theatre…and straight plays. Then when my mom and dad told me that the people in movies do it for money, 5-year-old me immediately thought, “I MUST DO THIS!” So here I am now, fresh out of college…and planning a move from Texas to the west coast.

I have been a Christian for a while now…and I have gotten mixed reviews of my career choice. I’ve been praised for my gift, and I’ve been ostracized because of it. Other Christians question my faith because of the people I associate with in the theatre world, and other Christians have been amazingly supportive of what I do. Some Christians have asked why I act for little to no money, and some Christians believe that I am going to be very successful one day. I’ve heard of the “evil of Hollywood.” I have also been told, “Be careful, because that industry belongs to Satan.”

Now, here’s what I’ve heard from the outside the four walls of the church. I cannot say that I have been ostracized and ridiculed here, at least not out loud. However, I have been criticized by one of my peers for not having an “aesthetic point of view.” I have been reminded numerous times to, “agree to disagree.” There’s criticism everywhere, but I think that I have learned to accept and love others in the theatre more than at church. It is sad to say that, but it is true. At church, I learned what the Bible said to do, but I never learned what it really meant until I was put in an environment where I couldn’t do anything else but love.

In the theatre world, collaboration is key. No one wants to work with someone who is insulting or mean to other people. So my first goal when I am in a show is to befriend everyone. Through this, I have met some of the most talented people with such big, loving hearts. Of course, not all of these people are Christians, but why let that stop me from being their friend? Why make the job more complicated? One way of showing Christ through theatre is the way I work with others. I’m not there to save people; I’m there to do a job. If they ask me about it, of course I will share it. Why shove it in their face?

As far as the content of the shows I do, that is just a matter of choosing. Personally, I have made a choice to not participate in anything that will blaspheme my Savior. Of course, you have the shows with heavy content. I was discussing this with some of my cast mates for “Funny Girl” and they brought up the fact that sex, and other traumatic things are parts of life. In my experience, the “sex” parts are not in the entirety of the play/musical…I usually hope that audiences will see the big picture. Theatre plays always have some sort of message, but religious people are always quick to analyze and judge. I wish that were not the case.

One show, for example, is Into The Woods; a musical about what happens after the “happily ever afters” of fairy tales. This musical covered a wide variety of things: adultery, revenge, obedience, lust, patience, etc. I had the amazing opportunity to be in this show, and it told an amazing story…and even ministered to me, and this musical is not even about God.

Theatre does one thing primarily, it tells a story. Some are good, some bad, and some disturbing. There is always something to take away, and discuss. I just love being a part of a big picture for people to see. When people I know come and support the shows and tell me all about how they enjoyed it, it just puts a huge smile on my face. I don’t want them to see me, I just want them to enjoy seeing something we as a cast worked so hard to put on.

Being a person of faith in the world of acting is just so inspiring, and I think I’ve learned a lot about who I am through it. Of course, when you have any type of talent or ability (athletics, arts, business, teaching…whatever) it is so important to use it to the fullest. Even though I say these are my gifts, in reality they’re God’s gifts from Him…to me. Of course, I want to flaunt them. People have told me to tone it down, or to put them away because I “can’t use them to make a living.” I think that when you use your gifts, and grow them…they’ll only get bigger and better. Like Jesus’ parable of the talents and the servants. The other two servants invested their talents and multiplied them, while the other buried it and kept it to himself, and made nothing out if it.

I know that when God asks me what I did with His gift, I want to be the one who multiplied it. You can use anything you do for the glory of God, it doesn’t always mean you’ll get praise from people…but God sees you, and if you know in your heart that God wants you there…then He’s proud of you. Every time I get onstage, I know I’m doing what God wants me to do.

Confessions of an In-Betweener

Hey guys!

So this is my first post on the Red Letter Weekly! To kick off this blog, I thought I would share something that I’ve been wrestling with for several months now. I hope that this can relate to anyone who reads this.

In my life, one of the biggest things that I resent is that I have always been an in-betweener. I never seem to fit in anywhere. In high school, I wasn’t a complete and total nerd, nor was I popular…I just existed. In college, it was the same thing. I didn’t hang around extremely “bad” people, but I also was not entirely accepted in the “good” crowd either. I simply floated…is that what they’re calling it now? I wasn’t bad enough for the bad people, and I wasn’t good enough for the good people….I was what I call an in-betweener.

When I was at the tender, young age of 17/18, I tried to fit in any way I could in college. I changed my whole life. I started doing things I never did before. I started cussing, drinking, more cussing etc. Nothing too extreme, but I did compromise some of my values for the sake of friends. I allowed myself to wander, but deep down I yearned for a better surrounding. On the inside, my spiritual being was hungry for a change. I knew that what I was doing was wrong, and I did not want to be popular in this sort of way.

So, sophomore year I began to strive for a turnaround, and I found it. I started making choices to party less, and surround myself with a better crowd at my church. It had a great start, and then something went wrong. I started noticing that my college church group was becoming very cliquish. After a few attempts to get involved in a leadership team, it just never worked out. To make a long, dramatic story short…I was excluded by many people at my church, and it hurt me deep down inside. (I’m trying so hard to say this in a very light-hearted way…) I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” to be involved as much as everyone else was, which is obviously a huge lie that felt true.

Never finding a clique to be a part of really made me question who I am, and it made me angry at the personality God gave me. I wished that I could just fit in somewhere, and not be so set apart. However, as I live day by day, I get reminded that I do fit in somewhere…in the Kingdom of God. He doesn’t see His people as a clique…He sees us all individually. I think I would rather be known and loved by Him instead of the good/bad crowd.  When I die, I won’t take my friends with me. It’ll just be God and I.

So, if you find yourself on the outside, an in-betweener struggling to find your place…search no more. You will find yourself in Christ. If you believe in your heart that you’re a sinner saved by Jesus’ sacrifice, that is all you need in this life. If the popular church people don’t acknowledge you in front of everyone, or if you aren’t “the life of the party,” that does not define your worth nor your place in this life. Of course, I know it is really hard to see or feel this favor sometimes. What God wants us to do is to trust in the fact that He really does love us. God is teaching me that I don’t belong to this world, I belong only to Him. Praise and approval from people is only temporary, His praise and honor is what I need to strive for. I’m learning everyday how to seek Him. I challenge my fellow in-betweeners to rest assured that God has a special purpose and a plan for you. Even though you can’t see it, God knows why He’s set you apart. Rejoice in your uniqueness!!